What they don't tell you about living with a chronic disease:

I'm not sure how long you've all been with me here at PDC, so with that, here's the link to tell you most of my story up to this point.

It has been eight months since I wrote down those chapters of my story. I've done a few cool things since then; get married, graduate, but there's a lot things they don't tell you about living with a chronic illness (or five).

• You feel a constant guilt for being sick. The people in your life have to adapt to what you can and can not do. My mom has washed my hair more times in the past two years than I can count. Ben has helped me with medications, cooking, and more. My dear friends have altered plans. Everyone is so understanding, but you still feel guilty for changing everyone's life without choice.
• You feel alone, even though you're surrounded by love. As compassionate as everyone is (most of the time), nobody really knows exactly what you're dealing with personally.
• I sleep ALL OF THE TIME. I keep myself busy most of the time because when I take the moments to slow down, I will sleep. For example, yesterday I took a three-hour nap from 3:30-6:30pm. I then went to bed at 10:45 and didn't wake up until 10:30 this morning. Constantly pumping your body with foreign chemicals catches up to you.
• You live your life constantly waiting for the future. Maybe my skin will be better. Maybe I won't be broken out. Maybe when I have a baby my hormones will flip and I'll be rid of my psoriasis completely. Maybe. Some day.
• People are so mean sometimes. I have dealt with circumstances such at THIS ONE, and many more that I don't share with my friends and family. Again, the guilt. Sometimes it makes living normally difficult.
• I get sad. While I come off to most as an overly sarcastic, generally fun person, I have my days. When I went to the dermatologist at the end of June, I came home and hysterically cried on my kitchen floor for the simple fact that nothing had changed. Not worse, not better, nothing.
• I am grateful for the quality of life that my doctor and nurses strive for me to have. My doctor is fighting with me on this. My nurses are fighting with me.
• Some days are harder than others, but I know I am loved. Again, I ask for grace in those moments where it is our natural instinct to forget how lucky we are in the midst of pain. I ask for grace when I take it out on those closest to me as I have. I ask for grace as I try to figure out how to live with my circumstances, because after 4.5 years, I'm still not sure.