Adult Decisions

Ben and I have been talking a lot about our future, and more than that, what we actually want out of it. Obviously, we decided nearly 15 months ago that it's going to be together - that has never been a question - but more than that, what do we want our quality of life to be like? I contemplated a lot before posting this post, because I generally like to keep my personal relationship details just that - personal. At the same time, I promised myself (and all of you) that I would be honest about what we're going through on our journey to becoming parents. So, here we are.

If you hadn't noticed, I did not entitle this post a part of the "Adoption Process" series. That is mostly because we have stopped to evaluate where we're going, and WHEN that will actually be a stop for us along the way. To put it bluntly, Ben and I have come to the decision that it's not time for us to have kids yet. I look around and I see people in my life having babies and being parents, and do I want that right now? Absolutely. Are we ready as individuals and/or as a couple? Not quite yet. We had a long, tough, tearful discussion about this topic not too long ago. It was hard. There was crying on both sides, anger, fear, and ultimately... the decision that it's just not time for us yet (I told you that marriage is hard/ugly sometimes). Am I disappointed that I am not going to be a mom in the next year? Sure, I am. We had talked about this and I had it in my head and my heart that I would have that soon. Then I think about my husband, and how much I love and respect him, and how I want for BOTH of us to be ready, in a good space, and able to promise 100% of ourselves to a tiny human. Neither of us are there yet, so it isn't fair to a child (whether biological or adopted) for us to bring them into our lives or home.

We still plan to do the things we want to do. We still plan to have children, but it won't be for a couple of years. Ultimately, I want to have children before 30 for medical reasons and so that my children can meet their great-grandmothers and great-grandfather. This gives us a little bit of time to really enjoy ourselves, establish our careers, love each other, and maybe take that trip I've been mentioning (I'm thinking Myrtle Beach or New Orleans - opinions?). One of the things I want most in the world is to be a mom, but for now, I'm going to focus on being a better wife.

We're just two of a kind, not quite yet working on a full house.